1. I will not run away to Vermont if my financial aid doesn't come through. I will not do that. I will take some online classes and work as many jobs as possible and write all the time and work out and grow out my hair and work on publishing with my cousin and get my license and read about feminism and plan a trip to visit school/ the Chicago area to see two of my good friends and I will not run away to Vermont and maybe I'll open a coffee/book shop and maybe I won't ever change the world but right now I need to prepare myself to be completely okay with that possibility. Because if I'm not and I can't get back to Lawrence, it might break me a little and I'm not in the mood. Not at all.
2. I need to believe people when they say I sound good after a show. I have no issue accepting audience compliments, mostly because they compliment the whole pit or just the violinist because she's fantastic and loud, but when other musicians casually say I sound good, my first thought is Are you even listening? I don't believe them. I am not a cellist. I am a clarinetist and a vocalist, but I have never been a cellist. My high school pit director used to get really frustrated with me, especially during Fiddler, because he'd say something like "Sounds good!" and I would say something like "Okay." And I knew he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it (he told me so anyway, more than once) and he's a brilliant musician, but I just. I am not good at the cello. I am a good musician, and I can play the notes and rhythms. But I am not good at the cello. Part of that is because in previous pits, I've had another cellist to cover me, but now I just don't understand that a professional instrumentalist can honestly say to my face that I am playing well and mean it. And I need to get over that.
(The violinist knows exactly how mediocre I am.)
3. What the fuck do I do if I can't go back to Lawrence what the fuck do I do
4. In other news, there is a woman in Chicago and I love her and I'm seventy percent sure that on the side I'm also in love with her and that is something that is probably not good at all. There is one part of me that is absolutely against making assumptions, but there is another part of me, which I am listening to, the part of me that always decided I should leave her room before she could see my feelings all over my face (I have no idea if that was ever successful), that says I should proceed on the rather hefty assumption that the In Love part is 100% not mutual, and justifies this assumption with the safety it provides, which is a huge amount of safety, because let's be real, telling someone you're in love with them is a fucking dangerous thing to do, and also a huge thing to just drop on someone who cares about you but not that way, and complicates everything when it's not mutual. And this friendship means so much to me that I can't justify risking it because I probably feel some certain way. And I feel frustrated with myself because this was done, we agreed twice to leave it alone and I haven't managed to do that and that isn't fair to her and I feel like an asshole, and I'm pretty sure that this feeling is me being nineteen and naive and full of shit and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that it will fade (fade being relative because it's pretty little and snug among my other thoughts and feelings, not distracting or hurting me) once school resumes (once I'm not just sitting in my house all day four days a week). Or that it's mutual, but let's be real.
(A little shitty/cowardly piece of me wants her to call me drunk and slur 'I love you' through the phone so that we have to talk about it and I could ask how she meant it and just know without it being about, I mean. Without it being my fault.)
(I'm an awful human.)
(I'm not going to talk about it anymore.)
