Sunflowers tend toward the sun.

And I believe that would be my reason. Because on a sad day, a sunflower is a sun itself, if only it looks up. Because a drooping sunflower is a little heartbreaking to see.

It's funny because I wrote it all out one of those nights where the words just come, but rereading it, I realize I missed things. So much of this can only be explained in metaphors. And there lies the greatest barrier between myself and anyone who wants to know me. Without my words, I'm nothing. Fortunately or unfortunately. 

P.S. Shirts!

Pidgeons

This show is helping me figure myself out. It feels like a Peanut Gallery. I'm a good lead, I have three beautiful people I've known all my life who love me, and we are that year. We're them. And it's wonderful and when I'm in that auditorium, I feel complete. I go there when we're at attention, I go there when I'm in class and the kids around me make me want to feel sad and lucky. I am lucky. In those moments when I let myself think of nothing and my thoughts go to this or that, I just hold Fred in my mind, run the last few lines and decide it's okay.

Somehow, sometimes, everything is just as it should be.

Dear God,

I know you can hear how the words feel in my head. I know you understand what I'm asking. Please.

I would like to take a moment to thank the everlasting immensity of the ocean and the fleeting fragility of a flower for my faith and for my resilience.

Serendipity

And it's funny because it's nothing. It's nothing. Nothing.

"I heard the church bells from afar, 

But we found each other in the dark"

I'm a big girl. And I'm going to pass through senior year with flying colours and go to college and live in Europe and be a person and it's going to be great. I must believe that.

"Black beast, out in the wilderness,

We are fighting to survive and convalesce"

I suppose 'we' is incorrect.  Plural pronouns usually are, unless you add 'respectively'.

"We're gonna live, we're gonna live, we're gonna live like the rest"

I suppose I haven't good reason for any of this. This is silly. Everything is silly. I have work to do. Just. I'm afraid to forget. The thought of all this from the mind of memory breaks my heart a little bit. 

"Through the black soulless water,

And the cold lonely air,

On the rock restless seas,

The vessel in deep disrepair,

And the swans, they start singing,

But then Oh! Rejoice

I can still hear your voice.

And I heard the church bells afar,

And we found each other in the dark"

Hhhhhhhmmmmmmm.

You. You always manage to swoop in right when I need you. Even when I don't know it. Tonight I thought of the first time we met. I sat on the floor of a boat heartily laughing for the first time in a long time. I got root beer float spilled all over my too-small dress. I don't even drink soda. I would have corrected your pronouns if you'd been using them. But you weren't, which stuck in my head. Which, I suppose, helped along that nagging little feeling I can still find lingering around the cavern in my chest on nights like this one. And I smile. 

I can't always be growing. There are times when it's nice to just say what's on my mind. I'm going to be eighteen soon, and until then, I will be seventeen. There's is nothing I can do to fast forward myself into adulthood, nor do I wish there was. I'm happy right where I am, just so long as 'here' doesn't involve being pushed to 'there'.

You. I was unaware of how strong your presence can be. You are thrillingly human. And I love it. Stay awhile. 

Story!

Me. All Day.

Yep.

I want my bed back.

Leave me that, at least. This counts so much more for me, in my life, in my head. Which is now in control again and doing a great job of controlling my words and a piss poor job of making me feel better. The whole facade is going to fall down and all that will be left is me. It's only a matter of time.
Rosin made my week. Probably made my whole summer, because when I play, I find closure and catharsis. And it's exactly what I need.
Fireworks are saving my life. The Taco Bell runs, the blasted music, the inside jokes and secrets and landslides are my favorite part of this summer. We are us, and you are going to be the first person I drive and the first person I add on skype. We need a road trip next year.

"Do not grow old, no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before the Great Mystery into which we were born." 
-- Albert Einstein 

Love letter

:)!

Okay. I'm leaning into eighteen already. Which, leaning into the next step is strictly prohibited, but that's okay because you like me and my naps. So I don't feel too bad. I remember when this was going to be a very big deal for me in the category of you. Funny how Fourteen thinks, isn't it?
I'm a much better writer now, I can see that much. I'm very proud of that.
Someone, eventually, won't question my worth. I hope. Your tears made me want to run away and never come back, so you never have to feel like that again. So I burrow into my room and make it somewhere I can imagine spending all my time in, so I don't intrude on your happy family of two. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Summer is good to me. I'm basking. The cold will be quite a shock, I expect.


P.S. Your naivety and your angel face melted my heart a little. "My dad will drive you!"

Always.

(Damn subplot. I am refusing to see that possibility.)

My kids will read it. They'll feel it, too. Thank you for my childhood. Alan deserves an Oscar. He deserves many, but this one especially. The bravest man I ever knew.

I don't mind the sunburn because the conversation was wonderful and infinitely more varied than I expected it to be.
Magic Rainbow walks by every morning, and I am picking up senior pictures. It is surreal. I don't feel like I'm on this side of the glass yet. I do, however, understand the use of the word creepy. Finally. My A string is quite flat; the pin is missing.
I still have no songs for these waves of whatever the hell this emotion is, and that is incredibly frustrating to me. And anything I suggest will lose it's connotation of me the moment it means something to anyone else. Whatever. It feels like winter tonight.
I keep deciding and undeciding. Since when do I question myself there so much? I think I just now rolled my eyes about six times in a row.

P.P.S.

I hear you loud and clear.

I hate that this subject involves itself in so much of how I think.

This is an official and officially bitter goodbye to the ability to post what I actually think and feel. 

Outside is outside. And today that means cold and windy. And lonely. (I miss you two already.)

I shouldn't have said anything tonight because I'm Nobody right now.

I don't want that. What I want is a hug. And a notebook doesn't do either, but.
Neither do you.

dudut dudut dudut dudut dut dut duduh [...!], 

dut dut dut dut duh dudut dudut duh, dudut duduh The world has gone mad.

P.S. I'm stuck in A.

Ring Around the Rosy

LAME. Also, lame.
Whatever. I cried today. Whatever.
I'm a stone cold bitch. I understand that. But I will not have my words twisted against me. I refuse. I know it's a coping mechanism, so I just really hope that like. Ugh. I'm awful. I'm not going to try and justify this to either of you anymore. I'm done with this situation.

--This was a good thing for me. I'm glad I auditioned. I know myself better now.

UGH. This is so LAME. Goddamn it. Just like.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear world.
When you tell my friends things about me, they come and tell me. So let's all shut the fuck up, okay? Okay thanks.

Dear hot girl in front of Jamba Juice,
I can sing better than that, I promise. You have nice hair. Funny because that's what we were talking about before I started badly wailing the Stones.

Dear future AnybodyImportantInMyLife,
If ever there comes a time when you want to drive me away or shut me out or make me feel awful and insecure and sort of self-hating, use the word 'uncomfortable'. It's a quick fix; I'll stay away for a good few days.

Dear You,
Get your shit together and stop giving me a headache. Nothing works out for you, the end. Get over it. Your ring is stupid. Your thing with tuxedos is also stupid, especially since you're gay as fuck and it shouldn't be a thing. Drink more water. Quit it with the expectations.

Person!

You can't tell me where my heart is.I know it's condition and location. Thank you though.
Don't call me dumb. I'm doing my best, and you are not listening to me. And this, what you're doing? That's why not.

-----------------------

"People don't dismiss you until you dismiss yourself." 

 



 

Yeah Okay.

You. Deserve better than I could have given you. You're being more reasonable about this than I ever could be, on top of everything else you're going through. I have so much respect for you and it hurt me to do that. 

You. I don't know why you keep calling me, but it makes me feel important. You listen to me always, except when I'm bagging on myself. I'm really glad to know you and I'm excited to see who you'll become. 

You. Will always have that 'since elementary school' best friend title. I don't know what I would do without you. You can drive now. We're seniors. We have a baby class. We are so much older than we were sophomore year. Only two years. We've got this show and one more together. I don't even know what to say to you. You are my sister and I love you. 

You. Oh you. I missed your voice. You notice how I haven't yet directly said it to you? You fell asleep and I did. I'm smiling. My mother says our ship broke through the ice and pushed into the sunshine side. In a child's voice. Forgive her intrusion. Your stupid-tiredness makes this puppy trust humans again, at least for this week.

You. You are a terrible person this week and you will be alone for the rest of the year because your idiot heart is taken. And you deserve it, so shut up already. Or say something worth listening to. You assume too much. You shy away too much. Commit to yourself and then speak with conviction. Stop being ambiguous. Lose weight. Do your work. Stop hurting people.

You can't hear the letdown in a typed goodbye.

Two girls sitting on a couch, stage right. One is positively glowing,snuggled into the right corner. The other looks apprehensive, arms and legs crossed, eyebrows raised at the first. Single spot on them.

Myself: I got like twenty stories printed and I registered for summer school and I'm in another show and I'm really happy today. How are you?
Me: Tired.
Myself: ... Tired of what?
Me: You ignoring me.
Myself: What are you talking about? I'm not ignoring you.
Me: Yes, you are. You're too happy right now, and you know I can't keep up with that.
Myself: (Hesitantly) Well... Maybe you could try?
Me: Why would I do that? Happy is dumb. You shouldn't be so careless of other people's feelings.
Myself: I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
Me: You being happy hurts me. It's not fair and it makes me feel like I'm like. A burden sorta. Like, partly I feel like I'm ruining it for you and partly I think you're fucking stupid. You're going to get so hurt.
Myself: You don't know what you're talking about.
Me: I do know what I'm talking about. We're basically the same person, except that I'm the low one right now. The weight. So you dismiss me because I make you doubt the security of your situation. I make you doubt your parent's pride, their friend's compliments, your friend's loyalty. Your own loyalty, your promises and resolutions and love.
Myself: I know. (Sarcastically) I'm so thankful to have you. I mean, without you, I might be a goddamn optimist! How terrible would that be?!
Me: You're not taking me seriously.
Myself: You are serious enough for the both of us.
Me: Maybe. But you need to come back down from Cloud Nine or wherever the hell you are right now, and you need to breathe a minute and ask yourself what the hell do you think you're doing. Because I really can't tell.
Myself: I'm being okay, okay? Is that a big problem? I slept all the way through last night for the first time since the show opened. I don't have a headache. I can't feel my heart beating in my chest constantly. I can write, okay? I can write! And you have a problem with that?
Me: Well. Fine. I just. I worry for you. I worry you'll get hurt.
Myself: (Softly, dropping the grin on her face) You don't have to worry. I'm hurting. I saw it coming, and I let it happen. We made a bet, remember? And you won. Congratulations. (Looks away)
Me: (Moves to hug her)
Myself: (Turning away) No. Don't, I'm- it's fine. I'm fine. Whatever.
(They both chuckle sadly.)

Fireworks

Yes, it crossed my mind. I chose not to answer that particular question on formspring. 

Fireworks are something I need in my life. They remind me of my mom. I remember being afraid of them when I was little. I also remember being afraid of the dark and afraid of being on stage. All three used to make me cry, and now... I guess I'm a big girl now. A young woman, and I realized that on Saturday. My family holds me in high esteem, and I should do the same. Because every once in a while, I deserve it. He cried during the show. Which means more to me than anything else that happened this whole weekend. "Your daughter has a woman's voice." I don't have the luxury of hearing myself through a mic or from the auditorium, but I'm told I did well. And I got thanked for being on pitch, which is something I alwaysalwaysalways strive for.
I keep setting precedents for myself. It makes me really happy. I break my own records. I need to focus on swimming right now, and on school and reading and writing. I want to be caught up by the end of the summer. I want a 3.something next semester. I want to learn new words. 
I really enjoy being with you and you two. A combination of the three is a really good thing for me right. 
("No. Explain to me why you're leaving."
"Because you are not worth it." I heard it in your voice, not his. 
I know it's fearful of me not to be more tearful, but thank heaven I am.)
 

Fin.

Someone, punch me.

Funny how I always forget that falling leads to bruising. I had myself fooled for a good few months, but there are still no soft surfaces in my life. I see that now. Nothing can replace a notebook.

Band is literally saving my life right now. I have something to do other than sit in the stench of my own self-doubt. My freshmen are wonderful and sassy and they have personalities and I'm really truly excited for this season. Wednesday couldn't come any faster.

(Typical is as typical does.) 


-She brought me closer to humanity than I ever thought possible. And for a time, I was tempted by her offer.
=How long a time?

-Zero point six-eight seconds, sir... For an android*, that is nearly an eternity.

*keira