Dear You,

 To assume shall make an ass of you and me.
But mostly me.

Terms of endearment are misleading. Don't use them for those you don't care about.
First Amendment. Honey, please. My words. 

It's like when you're four years old. And you follow the first graders around the playground. Except I know. I understand. 
But then again,

I write the way I speak. 
I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that. 
I didn't know.

ANYWAY. 
I thought
I was being so goddamn secretive. And I wasn't. What I was was too trusting and naive. And I was stupid.

stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid

The truth is so incredibly distorted now. You should let me tell the story.
I say it like it is. And I'm the only one that actually knows all the way. 

I can't even...
I desperately need closure.
Do me this favor. Once. 

I think it's time for me to fall in love with that cute boy over there and forget this ever happen(s)

 

Honestly.

So, okay. Here it is.

1. Tell me please. I don't want to have to work it out of you. If you screwed up just let me know. Because I've heard it from two other sources. I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to me.

2. You are desperate for romance. Dying for a romance. To be romanced. And goddamnit! I'm sitting right here. RIGHT. HERE.  Yes, I know. It's different. It's not the same. But really. Stop complaining.
What I'm saying is
I could give it all to you.
So shut up.

3. You keep coming through for me. And I don't know how, because I  wouldn't put up with my own bullshit. I appreciate it, I really do. I don't think you know that. If it wasn't for your crazy what if's, I'd have gone over already.

4. I very much like this number. That's cute.
(you're cute)
I mean that. Fully.
Um. I guess I want to be close. I want to hold your hand.

And not even like that. I just want it to be there to hold. If that makes sense.
Aaaaannnnnd. Yes. That's pretty much it.

Let's be friends.

BEST. Friends.

Incredulousness

It's incredible to me

how easily I give myself up.

how easily I give up on myself.

how safe I thought I was.

how quickly one becomes paranoid.

that I haven't actually cried this whole year.

how I might have laughed too. if I were you.

how readily I believe

how we study so closely those we conspire to harm

and then how we avert our gaze, stare pointedly in the other direction, refuse to look at the broken remains of our little jokes

out of sight, out of mind

(given that what I see when I dream hurts like hell and back)

It is incredibly easy to keep a clear conscience.

Don'tlookback.