January - Things did change, as I expected they would. I started working out. I learned about kissing in a real way (it felt like a birthday, or a familiar place) Some little injured piece of me kept showing up in German. I dropped Stats because I was afraid of it. My old tired laptop finally pooped out. A possible future seemed to unfold at my feet and it was exciting. I got really serious about singing. There was nothing I would have called "settling".
February - I started consciously setting aside thoughts and emotions in order to get school done. Women and Friendship was important and a lot. Someone asked about the ring on my finger. My room ("the room") was too small for all of us. I felt afraid but full of love.
March - I was ready for my audition/jury weeks out. I passed easily and got day drunk with Rachel afterward. I started saying I felt grumpy when my emotions were acting up. (I didn't recognize that correlation yet, I just knew I was grumpy.) I did, though, become aware of my insecurity about feminine presentation. I cried after Scandal one night. I was super excited about Sexualities. I was relieved to not be seeing anyone on campus. Someone hurt me very deeply.
April - My new German course was real and I was behind, which together with my new hurt facilitated a month-long shamed spiral. I got quiet I think. I just did my work. In hindsight, more things were strained by that than I realized until now. Poetry was good. I thought it ridiculous to miss class to see a girl, and my therapist told me it was the single best reason, and I agreed with him. Then he said he was leaving. I heard about Delta. I missed Sam a lot. Sexualities had yet to impress any of us.
May - Grey's Anatomy scared me in a way I didn't know how to be scared before. I pulled my shit together a little. Poetry was really important. Sexualities didn't get better. I felt accomplished for finally being a Busy Lawrentian. I told myself often that I felt grumpy because I hadn't eaten lunch, or I hadn't slept well, or I hadn't gotten off in a few days instead of acknowledging that some basic needs weren't getting met. In my head, it wasn't fair to have them at all. I didn't quite understand why I felt more tired than I expected on a regular basis. No one else was finished falling apart. Karen told me I was Most Improved and it felt really good. Sexualitites was the worst. I didn't know how to feel about therapy (generally not good, is what it was).
June - I was finished with living with other people. There was a studio party at some point and I made choices without taking time to understand why. Campus was beautiful. It felt like mine for the first time. School ended and I didn't feel anxious about it. I was excited to stay. Nervous excited, for research living alone and for other, more selfish reasons. I took steps to communicate with people I love even though I was afraid. I decided a strict summer reading schedule was a good idea. Melissa told me to write the trashy love poems. I read The Ethical Slut and made myself breakfast every day. I got serious about my hair.
July - I started buying real groceries. July 4 was something I hadn't anticipated and it didn't scare me. I cried for reasons I thought and still think are weak. Maybe I had an inkling. I fell off the wagon. I hung out with Max a lot and decided to care for myself. I got back on the wagon. I would not have used the word "settling" then, still.
August - The first night of Mile of Music was tipsy and impulsive and smiling, and the next night was a lot of tears. After such a long day, I was too tired to shut in the imbalance between emotional needs and what I was getting. I cried at Inside Out and I cried at other things too. I moved into Draheim. I went to a wedding. some stark contrast between the late night rough and the soft wee hours convinced me things would be different. I let anxiety get the best of me and picked Chicago over Milwaukee. My gut said to be nervous and when I didn't listen, it said to take a lot of showers and grab Pride and Prejudice from the library.
September - Anxiety sat in my stomach like bile. I spent a lot of time talking myself through simple tasks and a lot of time still not getting through them. I spent a lot of time feeling shame and guilt. I experimented with a boy-type human. I decided school was more important and I was really excited for term to start. I rallied for a short wait. I got my nipple pierced! French made me a little nervous at first, but it quickly proved wonderful. My new therapist was different from my old one.
October - The freshmen liked me. I felt like a real person in a real production. It wasn't cold yet. I was aware that I was wishing, as opposed to wanting. (The difference there is in realistic possibility.) We got serious about Delta. I knew everything would be fine. I was glad not to have to accommodate my own weaknesses. I really considered a bus ticket and then thought better of it. Halloween passed and I did not actually cry that day.
November - The Don Giovanni talk happened and I felt acutely alone for a little while. I talked to a teacher for a long time about race. I finally got impatient. I realized I was okay being friends again with a girl I used to date. Tenth week proceeded just like every other week because I had my jury at the end of it and then finals. I simply did not have the time. I reread for several days before saying anything to anyone. I passed my jury and all my exams very well and finished the term strong. I had two Thanksgiving dinners! D-term was on my nerves before it even started.
December - D-term stayed on my nerves. I was beyond exhausted. I cried a lot and stayed up too late a lot and it was exhaustion and nothing else. I turned 22 and made room for my anger. I saw Anna! I finally, finally flew home. I listened to Hamilton and wept. I got sick and lost my voice for a few days. I talked to my family. I smiled a lot and felt exasperated a lot. I never really unpacked. I slept on the couch some nights. We made a cake and it fell apart. I don't know if I'm ready to leave. I don't know what I feel.
Resolutions
- Eat breakfast every day
- Grow longer, healthier hair
- Have a good recital
- Keep doing good school work
- Call Avery and Lucas more
- Keep asking for help
- Work on the skin thing
- Make some good money this summer
- Finish some poems
- Breathe deeply as often as possible
- Work out more consistently
Thursday, December 31, 2015
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