A Good Day

This morning I was in the mood for a change. I cut my bangs. I kind of feel like they're adorable. I'm beginning to agree with people when they say I'm pretty or cute or something. I'm not full of myself, I'm just beginning to see it is all. A good day I think.

Dumb

Yes, I've been totally gypped, yes I've been on the receiving end of what would be considered enough bullying to make my third-grade self cry, maybe.Yes, my mind screams to connect with you. But no, I will not be letting that bother me, nor will I think about it at all this week. Because this is all really dumb. Really super dumb.

So I'm Going to Try Very Hard Not to Swear Right Now

The commercials are nice, I guess. Glorifying war. They do a very good job of it. Hey, look at those fancy uniforms, the neat rows of honorable soldiers. But of course, you are not so special if you aren't one of them. Maybe you're gay. Maybe you don't believe in the god they want you to. Maybe you like having a sense of individuality, and maybe you like sharing your thoughts and collaborating with others in a way that doesn't require screaming or physical pain. If so, you do not get the same honor as those who have been brainwashed into a collective consciousness, those who do not share something other than the uniform and the mindset. Those who have been taught to kill. Your individuality will not be recognized by your country, nor will you paid for it.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for the Marines. But they are not the only ones who deserve some sort of recognition. They are not the only group of the elite. They are not the only ones who are allowed the right to be proud.

So I've lost it again. But more quietly this time.
I feel nothing.
It's all been dampened, and I don't really know how or why.
But I don't feel enough to care.
It's like my heart is missing.
Not taken, not given, just
absent.
Or numb.
This is all a game, this pretending.
It's almost funny.
But not quite.

I'm told this will all work out for the best. Every single day. Right now I feel a little too old to care. Or a little too young, maybe. Yes, I think that's it. And I'll have you all know it's terrifying me. Really.

The Most Cowardly Lion

So I think I'll address the issue most outstanding to me right now. You. You totally overwhelm me. My hands get all sweaty when you're around and my heart starts racing. It's the dumbest thing ever, these cliche childish reactions. And the fact that we don't even talk makes me feel really weak. If there's anything I hate about myself, it's that when it comes to shit like this, I outstrip even the most cowardly lion. It's pathetic. So I've decided to pluck up the nerve and at least say hi the next time I see you. Or the next time you see me. Which will be never, if I can't get your attention. I have a feeling that if you do know who I am, you see me as a bitch, and as immature and obnoxious. And I will do just about anything to change your mind. Which is also kind of pathetic. And too soon I'll have to say goodbye to you, to the craziness in my head that I've let you create. And I haven't even said hello. I hate that I'm doing this whole post about you, but I needed to get it off my shoulders. And it's not like anyone will ever know. *knock on wood*

This is really dumb.

I Don't Really Know

So I'm feeling really weird. I want to say something clever and insightful and dramatic and secretly meaningful to the world in some way. Some people just seem to write that way anyhow, and it makes me wonder whether they spend whole minutes to find their words or if the words just flow. I'm jaded enough to think that everyone tries really hard to make themselves look good, but at the same time I can't be so sure. Part of me, the little kid part, believes the facade the world puts up. I generally don't listen to that part of myself, but if ignorance really is strength then maybe I should tune in more often. Or maybe I shouldn't. I don't really know.

Worried

So I almost decided to write a whole post about you, specifically. Each time I see you my mind kind of get fuzzy and my priorities get out of line. So I am typing this to reiterate to myself that I need to not feel this way. You aren't worth it, no matter how much I want you to be. So instead I will write about my worries. I have to finalize next year's schedule tomorrow morning. I am really worried that I'm making the wrong choice by quitting orchestra. Of course, I'll be continuing to practice at home and hopefully be in a local orchestra, but the school system has been radically changed since last year and I can no longer deal with how stressed I feel over it. I'll be taking choir instead. This way, I can continue in music and become more well-rounded at the same time. I worry that I won't make it past concert choir, I'm worried that I'll do badly in my audition, I'm worried that I won't have friends in my class. Materialistic, shallow maybe, but I do worry about it. My greatest worry at the moment is about one of my mother's friends. We email back and forth sometimes, and though she's going through a ton of stuff right now, she's been helping me with some of my issues. I emailed her about three weeks ago because my gut was telling me that not everything was exactly fine and dandy, and hadn't heard back. When Darius died on Wednesday, I honestly freaked out. She sent me an email on Friday saying she would email me this past weekend but has not. She's a sensible person and I really don't think she'd do anything rash, but I'm worrying anyway. I do that a lot. Too much. I think I'll take a nap now.

Just Stop Your Whining

Since I've already stated how I'm feeling this weekend yesterday, I suppose I'll just write on the quote now. "There is a sort of jealousy which needs very little fire; it is hardly a passion, but a blight bred in the cloudy, damp despondency of uneasy egoism.' – George Eliot (1819-1880) First of all, I just want to point out that George Eliot/Marian Evans is totally one of the best quote providers(?) ever. Really, I love her mind. So I feel like this quote says that if you've got an ego, any form of one, you'll suffer some form of jealousy. Which would seem too bad, but if you think about it, every single one of us has an ego. Obviously, some of us are extremely egotistical, will others are more humble, but it's there in all of us. I try to keep a lid on mine. And there are some who are completely unaware of everything else and think they're just about the best thing in existence and so lack the uneasiness mentioned by Eliot. But the majority of us end up somewhere in between, knowing we shouldn't have a big head and wanting to have high confidence at the same time, or else we're so self absorbed that we scream our problems to the world and expect everyone to pity us, or at least pretend to care. It's really quite selfish. To be honest, I really despise those people. No, you are not more important than the rest of us, nor are you better, nor should you be thought of as such. So stop craving our attention. You might need to feed of our sympathy, or even our problems, but we don't want to feed off yours. At east, we don't want to want to feed off yours. So stop your whining.

A Head that Tells me Stupid Things

So the events of this week have really put some things in perspective for me. I have consciously made a few decisions, and my heart has decided some things too. I have no way of explaining my reasoning behind each of these, but I will try. First off, I now wear a dark grey bracelet. It is Velcro, and it was made to hold wires together. I wear the soft part out, and the prickly side in. This small discomfort serves to remind me I'm not the only one here, that through I have some small problems, they are minute compared to those of others. And the soft side won't catch on my sleeve. Secondly, I am joining choir next year. Because I know that if I don't, in ten years I'll think back and regret it in a huge way. Life is so fleeting, such a trifling, ephemeral thing, and I refuse to waste it. For years I have wished I had the confidence to stand up and sing to the world, and right now I am closer than ever. But definitely not there yet, and what better way to get there than to join choir? Third, I will lose the tummy. Honestly. What happened was this: In middle school, I sank into a terrible depression that caused me to skip classes to avoid emotional breakdowns in front of people and I failed one as well. Besides the academic issues and the fact that my lungs haven't worked properly for almost two years now, I put on a little more weight than I would have had I been the perfect student everyone else seemed to be. And though my confidence has shot through the roof recently despite my slight chubbiness, I am acutely aware of it at all times. I want it gone, not because I think I'm ugly, or the pressure to conform, but because I really need to get in shape. I haven't been able to go running on account of my chronic bronchitis, nor have I had the time to find an effective workout that doesn't require a gym or extra equipment. Yes I could do push-ups and sit-ups and the like, but they aren't working the way I'd like them too. They just build muscle beneath the chub, which is almost counter productive. Yes, I can do eighty crunches in one sitting, but it doesn't look like it. I want to be able to run a mile without being extremely winded. I want to be able to join track without worrying that I'd be the slowest on the team. And I want to be able to wear whatever I please without having to consider how my tummy would appear in it. Yes, I seem shallow and materialistic, but this really is the one thing I don't love about myself. I think I'm beautiful, honestly. My tummy isn't, that's all. I love my curls, my eyes, my face, my voice, my mind, and how strong I am. I just don't look like it, and I don't like it. So soon I will get rid of it. I stopped drinking soda about a year and a half ago, and next will be cheese. I'll keep my milk and yogurt, but the cheese has got to go. I am confident I'll be able to do this. Next decision: No more mistaking crushes for liking someone. I define a crush as an almost purely physical reaction to a person. Not controllable in any way at all. But I have a tendency for taking this feeling as liking someone, as wanting to date someone, when in fact a decision like that can only be made after getting to know someone. At least for me. And lately, though my crush is going full steam ahead, I have reached the conclusion that I cannot and will not consider them an option. Because they're not. I can't explain it well, but it's just a weird feeling I've gotten about any and all of the (4) people I like(d) right now. I know I'd rather not change anything right now, and I'd rather be single. I may not say no were one of them to ask me out, but as of this moment, I will be pursuing no one. All of a sudden I want to cry. I have zero idea why. I think I'll go do that.

A Tune Abruptly Silenced

I'm not too sure how to start this post. Or how to react to what happened today. This morning they announced that a student had lost his life. I hear it was suicide, but no one has come right out and said it, not officially. This is something I was not prepared to be faced with in high school. Honestly. I read about things like this in books and newspapers all the time, but I never really considered the possibility of it happening so close to home. I mean, he was in the drama department, a junior. I did not know him personally, but it is clear that he was a great guy by the reaction of the arts department students. I have now seen the action of literally bursting into tears. I've never seen so many people crying in one day, and I hope I never have to again. I came close to tears myself, just because of the overwhelming nature of the whole thing. What bothered me though, is how the majority of the school was in no way affected by this at all. Truly. The way people just acted as though nothing had even happened angered me more than the people who pretended it affected them just for the attention. I hate people so much sometimes. We can't we, as a whole, just drop our incredibly stupid, materialistic problems and LOOK AROUND. Our world is composed of others! Not just you! Is it so impossible to put aside our needs for one damn second and think of something other than ourselves? Apparently not. I really don't know anything right now. Nothing in my mind is sure. And I am scared to death that it could be someone I love, one of my friends. Which is entirely selfish, but then again grief itself is just about the most selfish emotion there is, so I feel slightly better about it. At the same time, I feel awful. I think about how easily a life is ended, how abruptly the tune of vitality is silenced. I am terrified right now.

Treading Softly

This morning, as I was pouring my orange juice, I noticed just how faded the paint on the cup is. The picture is of animals, all with smiling faces, all nearly chipped away. It made me think of how everything I once knew has been falling apart right before my eyes and I haven't even realized it. The smiling faces that were once by my side every step of the way have now become part of the past.The plastic personalities worn once by everyone around me are gone and I see how dark and cruel this world can be. People are not shy in their judgment and hatred, and in a world like that, one mistake can ruin everything. So one must tread softly. I must tread softly. Because if I don't I will be ripped to pieces. That is a guarantee.

Dealing

So as I'm sitting here watching the Oscars, I'm thinking about my future. Where will I go to college? I really like the look of Boston University, but it's so damn expensive. Even if I get in, I have no idea how I'll pay for tuition. And if I don't get in, then where will I go? I might end up starting at El Camino, based on cost alone. And after that? I honestly have very little idea. I know I want to live in Italy for as long as it takes me to become fluent in their language, and I'd like to study music there. When I'm satisfied with that, I'll find a professional symphony to become a part of, or else travel the world. But if you think about it, that plan is extremely vague. I don't know how I'll see it through, especially with no money. I know some think I shouldn't even be worrying about it yet, but at school that's all they talk about. And so I'm extremely divided. I want to not have to think about all this, have no worries about my future, but in reality I absolutely must. And being told that I must worry about something is quite frustrating. I guess I'll just have to deal.

Better than Before

Despite my temporary loss of sanity, or perhaps because of it, I've been listening to a lot more solo piano. I really like contemporary stuff, and I like it best unaccompanied. I'd like to point out Rain by Bryce Miller. I'm having trouble putting to words how I can close my eyes and put myself in a movie during which it's raining and this song is being played. No dialogue, just walking, alone, no umbrella, down the street. Anywhere really, and anytime. As long as the lighting is perfect. Now I'll have you know I create movie scenes around my favorite music all the time. I love doing it, and if only I could write like I could see, or if society would let me share what lies behind my closed eyes, I feel I could have a career as a writer/director of movies. I know that's sounds dumb to you all, but I honestly think that. I'm sorry if you disagree. I feel like this entire post is contradictory to my last one. Don't you worry, I'm still crazy, I've just found a good friend to whom I may let it out. And that is so huge a relief I can't even accurately describe it.

Blood-thirsty Wolves

These past few days have been, for some reason or another, quite tiring. I think a lot of it has to do with timing. Honestly, the fact that certain things happened at a certain time affected me more than if they had happened all separated. Am I sounding crazy? Because I kind of feel crazy. But of course I only feel crazy because it's my own problem, making it much harder for me to see it in a clear way, which leads me actually going crazy not because of the problem but because I think I'm losing it. You follow? Anyway, I'm really tired. Emotionally drained. People are just really annoying when I want them to be, when circumstances require my weak emotion security to have some sort of complaint that I can talk about because I can't just leave well enough alone. I know this is all really vague, and writing this isn't really helping me achieve any sort of relief and I'm not even sure why I'm writing it in the first place. Again, it's probably because I want something to complain about, something to make you all feel something for me, to seem interested in my personal issues, to pretend for an instant that you all really care. I know you don't. None of us do. Which means all of us do. Every single one of us. We feed off each other, using the people around us to fuel us so that we may all continue to care to pretend to care for people that care and don't care for us. We're like a pack of hungry wolves, cannibalistic wolves who can't help but tear to pieces the ones we love, find sustenance in each others blood only because drawing our own cannot quench our thirst. And we all pretend that we want others to retain all their delicious blood, and that we do not thirst for it with every fiber of our being, and that we are not drinking our own every second of every day, and I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL. If we are going to be parasites, why not just say so?! Because that's exactly what we are underneath it all, underneath this all-encompassing garb of lies! We are all liars! About everything! We pretend that we are not all dying for everyone to pour out their blood for us as we pour it out under the facade of giving it to the world when in fact we can't help but gulp it down ourselves. We drink it, we breath it, we absorb it; There is no escaping it.