So the events of this week have really put some things in perspective for me. I have consciously made a few decisions, and my heart has decided some things too. I have no way of explaining my reasoning behind each of these, but I will try. First off, I now wear a dark grey bracelet. It is Velcro, and it was made to hold wires together. I wear the soft part out, and the prickly side in. This small discomfort serves to remind me I'm not the only one here, that through I have some small problems, they are minute compared to those of others. And the soft side won't catch on my sleeve. Secondly, I am joining choir next year. Because I know that if I don't, in ten years I'll think back and regret it in a huge way. Life is so fleeting, such a trifling, ephemeral thing, and I refuse to waste it. For years I have wished I had the confidence to stand up and sing to the world, and right now I am closer than ever. But definitely not there yet, and what better way to get there than to join choir? Third, I will lose the tummy. Honestly. What happened was this: In middle school, I sank into a terrible depression that caused me to skip classes to avoid emotional breakdowns in front of people and I failed one as well. Besides the academic issues and the fact that my lungs haven't worked properly for almost two years now, I put on a little more weight than I would have had I been the perfect student everyone else seemed to be. And though my confidence has shot through the roof recently despite my slight chubbiness, I am acutely aware of it at all times. I want it gone, not because I think I'm ugly, or the pressure to conform, but because I really need to get in shape. I haven't been able to go running on account of my chronic bronchitis, nor have I had the time to find an effective workout that doesn't require a gym or extra equipment. Yes I could do push-ups and sit-ups and the like, but they aren't working the way I'd like them too. They just build muscle beneath the chub, which is almost counter productive. Yes, I can do eighty crunches in one sitting, but it doesn't look like it. I want to be able to run a mile without being extremely winded. I want to be able to join track without worrying that I'd be the slowest on the team. And I want to be able to wear whatever I please without having to consider how my tummy would appear in it. Yes, I seem shallow and materialistic, but this really is the one thing I don't love about myself. I think I'm beautiful, honestly. My tummy isn't, that's all. I love my curls, my eyes, my face, my voice, my mind, and how strong I am. I just don't look like it, and I don't like it. So soon I will get rid of it. I stopped drinking soda about a year and a half ago, and next will be cheese. I'll keep my milk and yogurt, but the cheese has got to go. I am confident I'll be able to do this. Next decision: No more mistaking crushes for liking someone. I define a crush as an almost purely physical reaction to a person. Not controllable in any way at all. But I have a tendency for taking this feeling as liking someone, as wanting to date someone, when in fact a decision like that can only be made after getting to know someone. At least for me. And lately, though my crush is going full steam ahead, I have reached the conclusion that I cannot and will not consider them an option. Because they're not. I can't explain it well, but it's just a weird feeling I've gotten about any and all of the (4) people I like(d) right now. I know I'd rather not change anything right now, and I'd rather be single. I may not say no were one of them to ask me out, but as of this moment, I will be pursuing no one. All of a sudden I want to cry. I have zero idea why. I think I'll go do that.
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