You're just a kid, and you don't understand.

Okay. So.
I hear that on tv shows. And you've said things that might suggest that. But.
I have never heard those words. Not from you, not from anyone. And I never thought that would be assumed of me. Not outside school at least.

When I said don't push. I meant don't push. If I had meant let people walk all over you, I would have said it.
HOLD YOUR GROUND.
And maybe I am a little kid in some places, and there are definitely times when I don't actually get it.

But dammit I've got it where it counts.
I know that. You know it's true, don't lie to me. Or to yourself.
How many teenagers can say that and be telling the truth?

...

Exactly.


Now. When you're a little kid, you think and feel things, but do not realize their significance. In elementary school, it really mattered what my teachers thought of me. I'd be bashful and shy around them, but they were SO IMPORTANT. I mean, I had to impress them. Not academically, I already could do that without much effort. But as a person. I had to stand out to them. And I would think about what if they saw me do that, or heard me say this. I always wanted them to come see me play softball, or soccer. Whatever it was I was doing. I wanted them to be proud of me specifically. Mrs. Okamura, Ms. Ross, Ms. Huckabay, Ms. Eick. And I always felt weird about it. Everyone else thought Mr. Harris was oh so cute, and I didn't pay much attention. Middle school was similar except that it was people instead of teachers, for the most part. The science teacher though, and the math teacher, to a point. Celebrities too. Not how you'd think. Not Megan Fox, that bitch is stupid. More like Tina Fey. I mean.
I can't be sure. But.
Probably.

Dear Crazies,

I get asked a lot. I don't know, basically.

I had things to write. I can't remember.




Oh! Okay. It hurts. I mean, I don't like it. I overthink things. So it seems like something really bad is going on when it's really not. And then the next day it's a dull feeling, and I wonder why I was upset, why I could hardly sleep the night before. And then something else happens.
That's what happens when you get involved in things. It would be really easy to just sit in my room and NOT one day. You know.

I thought that when I said 'you know?' someone would say 'YES. I know.'
Oh well.

And then. I feel helpful at the moment. So.

RULE NUMBER ONE.
This is the most important rule.

NEVER break the fourth wall. Never.
If you do, they will take you away.

It's called Emergency Credit Retrieval. And it sucks ass.

I hear this:
Patience, shadow
We're on your side, there's no sides to see
Little shadow, Little shadow
Will you follow me?
Harden shadow, hold on tight, to your darkened key
Little shadow, little shadow.
To the night.

The conversation went like this:
Me: Next year is going to be so weird. Like, so weird.
Her: Haha, babies grew up.
Me: Yeah, nice metaphor. Actually.
Her: Oh you know it.
Me:
... What the fuck are we going to do?

That, my friend, is what you call an oh-shit moment. They don't feel nice.

NOW. I'm still waiting for the lightbulb. The "OH!"
And then finally, maybe, I could just cry and then really leave it. It will be a good thing.

In vain I have struggled.

My feelings will not be repressed.

It's not a big thing to ask for  the yelling to just not happen one day. It's not difficult. It really isn't.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Yelling is a strain. It should be hard to tell someone to shut the hell up. You should have to muster the nerve and the anger to do it. Or to call someone a little shit. Or to scream at the top of your lungs. They'll call the cops if you do that.

You think I'm talking about him. No. You too. It's half your fault. And I'm sure you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth.
Observing has taught me many things.
Something I learned this weekend: You cannot push. You cannot. They will push back. And maybe they'll be quiet, maybe they'll stop the behavior for a little while, but they don't want to listen to you. In their head, they push back. And then you've already lost. He said to remember for when we're all parents. I will.

At camp, I learned that my whole mindset is okay to have.
Remember freshman year? You struggled. People said go do this, act like that. Change this and this and this, get those things right, go rehearse this scene, learn that scale. ten-HUT! Everyone around you snaps to attention, and you stand there like
.......... what?

What is the first thing you did?
Probably cried and said fuck a lot. After that.
You looked around and found someone who was doing it right. And you watched. When they ran, you ran. When they listened, you listened. What ever it was, you did it too. Because it was right.
And after that year, with the seniors gone. The first day back, it was different. Don't say it wasn't. The entire feeling had been altered because of all the empty spaces. You still watched, but they weren't there. 
As a freshman, one is entitled to that. It's expected.
Sophomore year it's a little less excusable.

But that's what happened. Basically. I had a midlife crisis. On a high school level.
I redefined and learned to accept a lot of shit. Because I had to.
And you have to know, every single one of you, that they watch. Even when you don't think so. It's not a creepy thing, it's more like finding how to scrape by any way you can, and those people over there are sprinting through the course so we better watch and find out how they do it so we can stop tripping and falling flat on our faces.
I looked around and saw a few of you who had obviously made it through, and were doing okay. Thriving, even. So I watched.

I'm just a kid.
I have trouble. It's only natural.

BUT. I am not blind.
I will never ever get drunk. I will never ever try any form of illegal substance. That's just how it is. Social drinking is weak. Serious drinking is dangerous. I take risks, but not like that. Never.
And I realized that a relationship where one person is in awe of the other is not healthy. It just isn't.

There are a lot of why nots. I know.
I just admit it now, is the difference.

I never asked for a listener before. I was scared.
One more thing from camp. Stats.
Communication is achieved through three things. Words, tone, and then non-verbal messages.
Words are a whole 7%.
So you understand only 7% of what I'm trying to say. Even worse, I only understand 7% of what you're saying.
So what the fuck are we doing?

First of all. LGDLP.
I liked our talk. It was good. I felt better.
I am ready. Let's.

Okay. I am incredibly amused at this circumstance. The attention is going to reach my head some time if I can stop being so damn scared.

I can't say it differently. I mean.
I think for a long time about my words. I have to be in exactly the right mood to write the way I actually feel.

Oh boy. You're going to let me struggle for the first few weeks. You are. I understand that. I was angry because
The point is that it was Home and Garden.
Or whatever the hell that line is.
Are you happy?


It's not that simple.
Anyway. The whole thing was that I have no large sum of money to give up all at once. But I can obtain and spend in small increments. OF COURSE.
But. It's good to struggle. I'll be better for it.
Basically, bring it on.

And then. Okay. I thought it was going to be really dumb. The way it was presented to us made it look like a waste of time. But honestly...?
I can do it. I can lead. I can.
We talked about fear.


... SHIRTS!

Because I'm a lady, that's why.

You're not a lady, you're just a sister!

haha.
Okay. So I don't roll that way. When I say innocent little flower, I mean it. I'm the girl who's never been kissed. And I don't mind. I like it that way. You shouldn't have to ask.

Well. Not little. Curves. I have them. That's how it works. I'm built strong. No problem. I like it.

And. I have made a decision. I value my dignity more than any skill set I could have gained by giving it up.

And then. I think best in the molasses midnight hours. Really. Nothing can touch me then. I don't know why that is.

Also. I'm writing again.

BUT. Outside of the story, the words take a long time. Be patient. How do you gracefully accept what you've asked for and offer the same in return without changing the dynamic of the request?

This has meaning, I decided.

Realizing who you are and finding out what you're made of are two very different things.


I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I'm good enough. I know it. I am good enough.
I don't know why this happened. Because the thing is, I fucking love being single.
Not to be discouraging or anything. I just really like it. In that way, I'm still a baby. And little kids enjoy everything more. They see with the biggest eyes and everything is full of wonder and everything is new and striking and meaningful. It's not like that once you've experience.
I like being little.

Okay. These were important. I didn't realize it as I wrote them, but they were important.

April 30, 2010
I'm not just anyone you know. I'm special. I'm important. I have to be. Or I have to think so. I need the comfort.


May 6, 2010
I feel irrational today.
I can't find words to explain how this song
I can't even
I really just
I don't
Ya. Finishing sentences isn't working right now.

May 7, 2010
Do crazy people wonder if they're crazy? Or is the diagnosis based on the lack of realization or refusal to accept their own insanity?

May 9, 2010
I looked in the mirror just now. I saw this girl and thought
Wow. She's really pretty.
It was a good feeling.



(
And then other realizations.
THE MONOTONE.  Okay, I see it now. I understand.
And that other thing. Not exclusion like haha let's hurt her. I see the why.
I see.

I'm okay. I'm smiling right now. I'm okay.
)


July 2, 2010
Dear You,
Closure. It's a sweet thing.
Three was never open.
Two is a process. It's good now.
One.
It's okay, I decided. With help. I mean, I was going to get there. Eventually. But it would have hurt more. And it'd be different. But
it's okay. I think it really is.

Move on.
There you go.
Okay.
Sophomore year is done. I have yet to graduate from being a young fool, but I'm getting there. I will get there. No tears. Not even at graduation. I'll be okay. I will.

I love.

Love,


keira     e.  jett

Be Okay.

I've thought. A lot.

"Forget them. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again."


Never is an awfully long time.

I grew up.
I didn't think I did, but I've  already had my last night in the nursery. And that's okay.

I still pretend, sometimes.

I didn't need her. I needed to think I needed her, and I needed to learn to be okay with that.




  To live would be an awfully great adventure.

Is it bad that every single time I watch History Channel's "America: The History of Us", I get incredibly angry? And every time, I end up arguing with one or both of my parents about how badly we suck?
I mean, I am lucky to be here. So lucky.

But we haven't the sense or the grace to be ashamed of so many things we've done.
The propaganda is sickening.
Or rather, how well it works.

And every time, I want more and more to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I feel like I shouldn't have so much unhappiness with our country.
It's just how we've used others as stepping stones.

I would like to point out. We knew beforehand. It shouldn't have been a surprise. We had time to get people out. Atrocious communication is all.
So no, the attack was not our fault. The devastation was entirely intentional.
We just didn't try hard enough to prevent it.

And why is Las Vegas here again?

Isn't it funny how within weeks of first contact with the Native Americans, the Europeans managed to kill without so much as a single bullet? It was the nasty germs, the diseases that did it.
And then they pulled out guns and killed more.


There is a difference.
We used to eat to live.
Now, we live to eat.
It's disgusting.



And every time they show a broad shot of the countryside and superimpose hundreds of little buildings, I think of a massive breakout on someone's face.
... ew.

fucked---------->

<----------unfucked

SIMPLE.

Can't you see it?

Am I really crazy.

?

WOW.

Maybe. I haven't decided yet.
I could leave it. And always think of what could have been.
Or.
I could ask again.
Begging is generally frowned upon. But why?
If you want something. Go get it. Work. 
I think it's a matter of losing gracefully. But why does one have to lose? Why can't we share?
The hardest part is the choosing.

You could beg. If what you want is granted to you, you've lost respect. And things are generally very awkward.
Or you could not beg. But you've got nothing to lose but what you've got to gain.
Correct?
I don't know.
I need to choose, now.
(We ain't got time to dick around like this.)

Because the thing is, I don't care. Really.

I thought for a really long time about this post. About what it was going to be, down to the words sometimes. I wrote and revised and deleted and started over countless times in my head. Even back in March and April. It was going to have to be one of two things.
ohmygodi'msoluckyandhappyandloveloveloveloveakjhglfdghkaesgtufdhkfhjd.
That obviously didn't work out. So no.
OR.
ican'tbelievethatPBFHohmygodhatehatehatehatesblehskdfjfkaxbsugljhs.akhjalkzsh.
Also incorrect. I haven't good reason to be angry or spiteful.

And I sure as hell wasn't going to grovel.

I can say with certainty my heart is fully intact.
I let it go. It's fantastic. Coleridge titled one of my favorite poems Something Childish, but Very Natural.
The 'but' should be 'and'. Children are the most natural version of human beings. They gaze in wonder and then move on. Simple as that.
And now I realize that I can do that too. Take it as it comes, then let go.
And put what I can into who I'm becoming.
We're on the bottom floor now. Nothing can fall through. Jam.
everybody, everybody, everybody wants to beeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaa caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat
I'm okay.
And my words are better now. They work just fine.

A. I know things.
B. I make sense.
C. I'm going to Prague. People laugh every single time I say that. Don't. I'm going.
D. I've embraced myself. I'm pretty and smart and incredibly opinionated and stubborn. I like me.
E. I don't lie. I don't cheat.
F. I was a fool. I am a fool, but I am not so foolish as to follow other fools, and therefore I am wiser than most.
G. Whether you believe me or not, I have not cried this entire school year. 
H. I am so excited for the next two year.
I. With that, I am absolutely terrified of what will come after that.
J. I write. It's been a while, but I do.
K. I shall read the complete Harry Potter series before November 19, when the first part of the Deathly Hallows opens. I shall do it.
L. I like to talk on the phone. Not text. If I wanted to read, I would pull out a book. I like talking to people.
M. I really just like to talk. Or, I like people to listen to me. Not in a 'do what I say' way, but to my actual words.
N. I learned to listen this year. And how to say things worth listening to.
O. I can play bass guitar now.  
P. I like to sing. Loudly.
Q. I feel strong contempt for this country. We are not the greatest. We haven't even the grace to be ashamed of what it took to get where we are.
R. I have a teddy bear who hasn't a name.
S. I do not have a concrete belief system but I have had moments where I am not alone.
T. I very much like the word 'audacious'.
U. I'm allowed to be Keira. I didn't know that before.
V. I know I have high self-esteem. I like myself too much. Don't worry about it, it's not your problem.
W. I am learning to speak Czech. (I swear to you, I'll get there.)
X... I want to believe.
Y. I assume too much.
Z. I'm okay. I didn't think I would be, but I am.

I'm just going to say things.
You know who you are.

To One,
It was big fucking deal. This whole year. Understand that.
You have to know how you affect people. I have a hard time believing you don't do things on purpose.
I appreciate that you don't intend to tell people. The thing is, I don't trust you. Nothing personal.
You were on the side of reasoning that said "DON'T JOIN DRAMA." Just so you know.
It was my idea. But I stole the phrase from a friend. And then changed my printing.
 
To Two,
I have to be, because no one else will be. I'm in charge of appearing to be in my right mind and being articulate and being fair and being sure of things, of everything, and asking real questions and CARING. If no one else is a tightass about those things, they won't get done right.
I was really worried there would be no one to read against me. I was afraid you would have to do it. I was afraid I would believe all those things, even though it was just lines.
It was a friend crush ALRIGHT? Those things are fucking dumb, but that what it was.
I understand the want for romance, I really do. But can we please NOT? I would sit here, in California, and... I don't know what I would do. But it would be good and sweet and perfect.
You were never even priority.
It was based on a true story. Cross my heart.

To Three,
You were always there. Never like One or Two, but still. The only real possibility.

To Four,
Way to pick it up quick. And then change your pronouns to match.
I'm afraid of this.
IT'S ME. But I think you already know that.

To You,
Look. I am grateful for your concern, I appreciate that you don't want me to get broken. But I have to get broken before I can understand the need to not get broken, like a small child needs to feel that it's actually cold outside before putting on a jacket. It hasn't happened to me yet, but you can't stop it. It'll happen, it has to.
And then. I understand. I do the same thing with my best friend, tell her everything no matter what other promises I've made. Because she's my best friend. But I don't think she is that friend for you. I think your allegiance to her and her friends is just stronger than it is to me, which makes sense. Your loyalty lies there. But I've had three different people tell me you've talked to them, and I want to know why. I'm not even angry, and I should be. Just why, is all. We should talk.

To You,
Fourteen years, going on fifteen. There's been a lot of bullshit. No more. Promise. I'm glad we talked. We should again. Because I mean, you literally hold a spot in my heart. It hurts to watch you hurt. My mother cries for you just like she does for us. You're my sister. I can't say it differently than that.

To The Boy Over There (who I was going to fall in love with),
It's high time. I'm not in love. But the feeling is here. I love you, plain and simple.


No regrets now.

At least I'm honest.