2015

January - Things did change, as I expected they would. I started working out. I learned about kissing in a real way (it felt like a birthday, or a familiar place) Some little injured piece of me kept showing up in German. I dropped Stats because I was afraid of it. My old tired laptop finally pooped out. A possible future seemed to unfold at my feet and it was exciting. I got really serious about singing. There was nothing I would have called "settling".

February - I started consciously setting aside thoughts and emotions in order to get school done. Women and Friendship was important and a lot. Someone asked about the ring on my finger. My room ("the room") was too small for all of us. I felt afraid but full of love.

March - I was ready for my audition/jury weeks out. I passed easily and got day drunk with Rachel afterward. I started saying I felt grumpy when my emotions were acting up. (I didn't recognize that correlation yet, I just knew I was grumpy.) I did, though, become aware of my insecurity about feminine presentation. I cried after Scandal one night. I was super excited about Sexualities. I was relieved to not be seeing anyone on campus. Someone hurt me very deeply.

April - My new German course was real and I was behind, which together with my new hurt facilitated a month-long shamed spiral. I got quiet I think. I just did my work. In hindsight, more things were strained by that than I realized until now. Poetry was good. I thought it ridiculous to miss class to see a girl, and my therapist told me it was the single best reason, and I agreed with him. Then he said he was leaving. I heard about Delta. I missed Sam a lot. Sexualities had yet to impress any of us.

May - Grey's Anatomy scared me in a way I didn't know how to be scared before. I pulled my shit together a little. Poetry was really important. Sexualities didn't get better. I felt accomplished for finally being a Busy Lawrentian. I told myself often that I felt grumpy because I hadn't eaten lunch, or I hadn't slept well, or I hadn't gotten off in a few days instead of acknowledging that some basic needs weren't getting met. In my head, it wasn't fair to have them at all. I didn't quite understand why I felt more tired than I expected on a regular basis. No one else was finished falling apart. Karen told me I was Most Improved and it felt really good. Sexualitites was the worst. I didn't know how to feel about therapy (generally not good, is what it was).

June - I was finished with living with other people. There was a studio party at some point and I made choices without taking time to understand why. Campus was beautiful. It felt like mine for the first time. School ended and I didn't feel anxious about it. I was excited to stay. Nervous excited, for research living alone and for other, more selfish reasons. I took steps to communicate with people I love even though I was afraid. I decided a strict summer reading schedule was a good idea. Melissa told me to write the trashy love poems. I read The Ethical Slut and made myself breakfast every day. I got serious about my hair.

July - I started buying real groceries. July 4 was something I hadn't anticipated and it didn't scare me. I cried for reasons I thought and still think are weak. Maybe I had an inkling. I fell off the wagon. I hung out with Max a lot and decided to care for myself. I got back on the wagon. I would not have used the word "settling" then, still.

August - The first night of Mile of Music was tipsy and impulsive and smiling, and the next night was a lot of tears. After such a long day, I was too tired to shut in the imbalance between emotional needs and what I was getting. I cried at Inside Out and I cried at other things too. I moved into Draheim. I went to a wedding. some stark contrast between the late night rough and the soft wee hours convinced me things would be different. I let anxiety get the best of me and picked Chicago over Milwaukee. My gut said to be nervous and when I didn't listen, it said to take a lot of showers and grab Pride and Prejudice from the library.

September - Anxiety sat in my stomach like bile. I spent a lot of time talking myself through simple tasks and a lot of time still not getting through them. I spent a lot of time feeling shame and guilt. I experimented with a boy-type human. I decided school was more important and I was really excited for term to start. I rallied for a short wait. I got my nipple pierced! French made me a little nervous at first, but it quickly proved wonderful. My new therapist was different from my old one.

October - The freshmen liked me. I felt like a real person in a real production. It wasn't cold yet. I was aware that I was wishing, as opposed to wanting. (The difference there is in realistic possibility.) We got serious about Delta. I knew everything would be fine. I was glad not to have to accommodate my own weaknesses. I really considered a bus ticket and then thought better of it. Halloween passed and I did not actually cry that day.

November - The Don Giovanni talk happened and I felt acutely alone for a little while. I talked to a teacher for a long time about race. I finally got impatient. I realized I was okay being friends again with a girl I used to date. Tenth week proceeded just like every other week because I had my jury at the end of it and then finals. I simply did not have the time. I reread for several days before saying anything to anyone. I passed my jury and all my exams very well and finished the term strong. I had two Thanksgiving dinners! D-term was on my nerves before it even started.

December - D-term stayed on my nerves. I was beyond exhausted. I cried a lot and stayed up too late a lot and it was exhaustion and nothing else. I turned 22 and made room for my anger. I saw Anna! I finally, finally flew home. I listened to Hamilton and wept. I got sick and lost my voice for a few days. I talked to my family. I smiled a lot and felt exasperated a lot. I never really unpacked. I slept on the couch some nights. We made a cake and it fell apart. I don't know if I'm ready to leave. I don't know what I feel.

Resolutions
- Eat breakfast every day
- Grow longer, healthier hair
- Have a good recital
- Keep doing good school work
- Call Avery and Lucas more
- Keep asking for help
- Work on the skin thing
- Make some good money this summer
- Finish some poems
- Breathe deeply as often as possible
- Work out more consistently

I'm 22 today.
I'm different than I was this time last year.
I feel at home in my life for the first time.
I feel good tired.

I don't know what will happen now, but I believe in the long run of this. I know I'm on the right track for me right now, but my gut tells me we will come through this.
I am a silly young woman. I have so much hope for the future.
This is going to be a good year.

I'm in love with a woman and I don't know what to do and I hardly care at all.
I have been ignoring and pushing down and dismissing this for a long time and I'm not doing that anymore.
This will likely break my heart and it's the least safe thing I've ever done and I know that and that knowledge is not enough to dissuade me anymore. In the last few months, I have been scared half to death of wanting her, I've been silencing my feelings and closing myself off and finding a million and one reasons why I should never take this kind of risk with anyone. And I'm still scared half to death, but now with open arms and a pounding heart and no fear to speak of.

Life is long, and the world is a big place, but right now she is it. She is it and I am terrified and I can't stop smiling for the life of me.

My audition/jury is tomorrow morning and I very well prepared and I am not worried but I keep trying to figure out how to self-care after I don't get in and I'm not sure what that means.
This time tomorrow I'll know.
My choir director told me I would have been dissuaded if they didn't want me in the program. That they wouldn't have me starting my coursework already or being friendly or teaching me. And I knew that but it made a big difference hearing it from him.
I want this so badly. I want this so so badly. I have pretended for a long time that I don't want to sing and that music isn't 100% essential to my life and so much depends on this twenty minute thing tomorrow, on like fourteen minutes of music and it matters so much this is so big for me.
I am not afraid but goddamn I have no idea what I will do if I don't get into this program.

Tonight I wept after Scandal.