Something about an acoustic guitar

Smile-weeping. That's a thing now. A good thing. I'm going to have a major catharsis tonight. And I'm going to have a crick in my neck from letting it tilt so much this evening. I don't know what this is. It makes sense though. No conflict. No guilt, not right now. Or, not so present right now. I hope again one day to see you bring your smile back around again. I'm going to get through band just fine tomorrow. Even though you're in a different section and you're in Massachusetts and neither of you can hold my hand when I'm by myself... I'll be fine. The freshmen will be sweet and so will I. This will be a good season. 
I don't know. I've said that more times in the past few days than I can remember saying all year. And funny enough, I don't mind saying it. I don't feel self-conscious of not knowing with you. I bruise easily and often, but I don't worry about saying why I did this dumb thing or that to cause it. And I got out a story tonight, which I have not been able to do at all for about three weeks now. 11.11. But I already used the word radiant for you, so where's my thesaurus?
I still suck a lot. But. I don't feel like a complete failure right now, which is kind of a nice change.

Not fair

that I can only write in five when I'm distraught.

And as I fall into a fitful slumber,

The pain of what could be runs from my eyes.

The muscles in my heart are taut with holding, but

She has no use for bitter heavy sighs.

If only I had been a bit more happy,

If only I had thought to give her more,

But now my friend, my light, may walk away,

And take the little bit of heart she tore.

I promised her I'd walk. So I will. My diploma is thirty credits away.


Funny that now I have no words. I don't break promises to anyone but myself. My poem is stupid. I feel run down. My weak little legs hurt for no reason. I wake up with my phone in my hand. How pathetically dedicated is that? Make a wish; I want you to have reason to smile. I feel like I'm hurting you but I also feel like it's wrong to assume I have any effect on you at all. I don't matter to people. I'm not used to being needed, so I'm doing everything wrong. My sorries don't mean a thing to you anymore. Different family customs? I suck at acting, I know that. Um. Did I really just um? wow.
I know you meant what you wrote when you wrote it but. Is it meant to stay in the back of my yearbook and be remembered as something lost a long time ago? 
I would stay single for the next ten years if that meant you could have faith in me again.

"I danced with you."

"I hadn't noticed," she replied dryly. 
 
{You. I like talking to you. Don't doubt that. I'm just busy and bitchy and distracted and I'm sorry.}

 

I want to lash out at you. Really badly. Because I trust you. That's why I fight with my family, too.  I'm not going to though, because 1) I can handle myself, 2) I don't know how to say any of it, and 3) you deserve better. 

I love me, I love me, I love me. I really do. I just don't like me right now.

I ask a lot of questions. I don't know a lot of things. But I feel like there's a beauty in curiosity, so I'll continue to wonder. I have the whole summer to put together sentences to ask what I want to know. I plan to sit on my back patio with a notebook and read and write for hours.

I leave space so you're never in a situation you have no way out of. I never want to have to apologize for making you uncomfortable that way. That being said, it's thrilling to have been stuck with you.

P.s. Shoulders are a thing. Great. 

P.P.s. Class of 2012!

P.P.P.s. You are the cutest. Let's be friends. 

P.P.P.P.s. ... The common app. Hm.

P.P.P.P.P.s. I love you too.

There is a moment

When things officially become a fact. They are often surreal, seared into the brain as if by a branding iron.

I just. I've never really thought myself worth  tears of anything more than disappointment and frustration. 

I'm holding onto things so tightly right now. There's only a year left. I mean. What?

I let go of you though, oddly enough. I realized that last night. (Your hair is pretty.)

summer. summer. summer. summer. summer. summer. summer.

summer?

My words are cold and flat,

And you deserve more than that.

I cry every time I hear it. And your voice too... it was really hard to not.

I understand. 

I understand.

I understand. 

I don't want to break that promise; I gave you my word. As a gentleman and as a lady.

Things just aren't adding up lately and it's frustrating. Maybe it's the music I'm hearing, the piano, the brimming rests. Maybe it's the sorries that make me feel like I'm a burden, a guilt-trip. Is it bad that I made a playlist? Yes, yes it is. Thirteen songs of absolute idiocy. Remember the first time we sang? stopstopstopstopstopstopSTOPIT.

 I turn away for multiple reasons.

1. bye.bye.bye......

2. I have more class than that. 

3. The Please Don't Go look. Not okay. 
4. Maple syrup. And just as sweet. 

this is freaking me out. a lot. i need a hug? since when do i legitimately admit that? it's the anxiety i think. the shaky little girl in me. i feel like i'm lost in a store or something.

I say the absolute stupidest things sometimes. I wish I didn't know myself so well. 

I don't know where home is right now. I know where I feel it, I also know where I should feel it. It hasn't clicked that this is over now. I keep trying to picture what next year will be like and I just can't. I need to find a rhythm. I need to find a diamond. I need a goal, a thing to work for that I can actually attain. collegecollegecollege. (Yours is my favorite.)

P.S. If you're a puppy, I'm a puppy.what?!

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds.

And honestly, I have been begging for answers

I said no. We were only a few blocks away. I said no anyway. This is why. 

I'd have walked in distracted. I'd have looked up and given you a vacant hello. You'd  have said Hi in that way you do when I greet you while still partly in my head and I would have laughed softly. You'd have actually look at me then and realized I'd been crying and you would have asked me What's wrong?
Nothing. I'm fine.

Keira. You'd have said it in a way that cares. And then I'd have melted on the inside, because the outside is already stained with tears. And then I would have been a puddle who only had a few words. 

I'm in love with you. 

I don't know what would have happened then. I just know that in that moment, it would have been very much a truthful statement. 

I didn't though. Because it's one of those nights, when everything is terribly correct and things are going wrong but nothing bad can happen. So it's true right now. I don't know if it will be as true in the morning. Or the next time I try to start a story. Or when I wake up at two am to pee, or when I'm walking her to class or when I play that last run in Tornado. I need to be sure. I need to be as sure of it as I am when I walk out of history every day. 

And now you're probably thinking I'm ridiculous. Story of my life.  

I missed 11:11 twice today.
 
  

This is freaking me out a lot, that this book hasn't clicked for me yet. It's because there's no third person omniscient and no stream of consciousness. I haven't a thing to go on. I feel weak. I feel like I shouldn't even be saying anything about how I feel because no one wants to hear me complain because it's annoying and not becoming and since when do I feel so immature? Since when is my character constantly called into question? Since when can I not come up with sarcastic rebuttals? Since when do I get hurt? I'm not completely spineless, but once in a while, think about what if he said that to you? I hate this side of vulnerability. Is it weird that I'd rather hang out with just you tonight than everyone and everyone else? It's weird. Okay. Okay the end.

"I'm sorry. When I'm not on my meds I ask a lot of questions." Thank you society for ruining his right to curiosity. 

Going on (summer).

I'm a real teenager right now. Really tired and really attracted and really really ready for school to be over. I'm also dreading it. But I want band camp to start. But I want that moment  every day when I walk into English and first see you. That is just golden for me. But I also don't want to have any reason in the world to awake before nine am. Except maybe Disneyland. I want to see the sun rise. I want to be awake enough to watch it set. I want I want I want. Real teenager.
I have a 2.7. Thank you world. My hair looks good right now. Lucky me, just in time to go to sleep.
I hatehatehate earthquakes. They make me cry.
Weird thing. I cry a lot now. I didn't use to, but now I do. I like it better this way.

Like a beautiful sunbeam.

Yet again, I find myself writing out paragraphs and then deleting every word. You know I'd never lie to you. I don't do gratuitous compliments. It's not to be polite. It's not because I'm biased. You're fucking wonderful. At least believe that I mean it with all my heart. 
atleastoutloud
I'm not unhappy about not going to prom. Sitting with you three in that theater made my night better than any amount of make up or pictures would. You make me smile, friends. 


This decision was made in my head months ago. I'm just glad we could work it out. No hard feelings. I get my last horns down and some real creases in my shoes. Honestly, I'm relieved. 
I want to know who you grow into.

I am writing two stories at the same time about the same thing.

You should know that  I suck at keeping my own secrets. The fact that my mouth is shut still means you count more than I can explain. You're younger, which. I dunno. It's weird to think about.
These stories should be interesting. Because I can't embellish. It's a simple narrative, and even though I process everything with beautiful words, I can't remember all of them. There are plenty of metaphors and allusions and other literary devices I could use for anything. There is only a half second missing of colorful description. It's completely and utterly, disconcertingly blank. Which doesn't bother me nearly as much as it should. Four. Five. Six. Seven.I look forward to the eventually where I can stay in that sweet little town for while.
I need more potassium. I need to be a  competent performer. I need more hugs in my life.
I am worried sick about you. You mean so damn much to me and you don't even realize it. You are the only person older that me that has lived up to my expectations and I can't thank you enough for that.