Because the thing is, I don't care. Really.

I thought for a really long time about this post. About what it was going to be, down to the words sometimes. I wrote and revised and deleted and started over countless times in my head. Even back in March and April. It was going to have to be one of two things.
ohmygodi'msoluckyandhappyandloveloveloveloveakjhglfdghkaesgtufdhkfhjd.
That obviously didn't work out. So no.
OR.
ican'tbelievethatPBFHohmygodhatehatehatehatesblehskdfjfkaxbsugljhs.akhjalkzsh.
Also incorrect. I haven't good reason to be angry or spiteful.

And I sure as hell wasn't going to grovel.

I can say with certainty my heart is fully intact.
I let it go. It's fantastic. Coleridge titled one of my favorite poems Something Childish, but Very Natural.
The 'but' should be 'and'. Children are the most natural version of human beings. They gaze in wonder and then move on. Simple as that.
And now I realize that I can do that too. Take it as it comes, then let go.
And put what I can into who I'm becoming.
We're on the bottom floor now. Nothing can fall through. Jam.
everybody, everybody, everybody wants to beeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaa caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat
I'm okay.
And my words are better now. They work just fine.

A. I know things.
B. I make sense.
C. I'm going to Prague. People laugh every single time I say that. Don't. I'm going.
D. I've embraced myself. I'm pretty and smart and incredibly opinionated and stubborn. I like me.
E. I don't lie. I don't cheat.
F. I was a fool. I am a fool, but I am not so foolish as to follow other fools, and therefore I am wiser than most.
G. Whether you believe me or not, I have not cried this entire school year. 
H. I am so excited for the next two year.
I. With that, I am absolutely terrified of what will come after that.
J. I write. It's been a while, but I do.
K. I shall read the complete Harry Potter series before November 19, when the first part of the Deathly Hallows opens. I shall do it.
L. I like to talk on the phone. Not text. If I wanted to read, I would pull out a book. I like talking to people.
M. I really just like to talk. Or, I like people to listen to me. Not in a 'do what I say' way, but to my actual words.
N. I learned to listen this year. And how to say things worth listening to.
O. I can play bass guitar now.  
P. I like to sing. Loudly.
Q. I feel strong contempt for this country. We are not the greatest. We haven't even the grace to be ashamed of what it took to get where we are.
R. I have a teddy bear who hasn't a name.
S. I do not have a concrete belief system but I have had moments where I am not alone.
T. I very much like the word 'audacious'.
U. I'm allowed to be Keira. I didn't know that before.
V. I know I have high self-esteem. I like myself too much. Don't worry about it, it's not your problem.
W. I am learning to speak Czech. (I swear to you, I'll get there.)
X... I want to believe.
Y. I assume too much.
Z. I'm okay. I didn't think I would be, but I am.

I'm just going to say things.
You know who you are.

To One,
It was big fucking deal. This whole year. Understand that.
You have to know how you affect people. I have a hard time believing you don't do things on purpose.
I appreciate that you don't intend to tell people. The thing is, I don't trust you. Nothing personal.
You were on the side of reasoning that said "DON'T JOIN DRAMA." Just so you know.
It was my idea. But I stole the phrase from a friend. And then changed my printing.
 
To Two,
I have to be, because no one else will be. I'm in charge of appearing to be in my right mind and being articulate and being fair and being sure of things, of everything, and asking real questions and CARING. If no one else is a tightass about those things, they won't get done right.
I was really worried there would be no one to read against me. I was afraid you would have to do it. I was afraid I would believe all those things, even though it was just lines.
It was a friend crush ALRIGHT? Those things are fucking dumb, but that what it was.
I understand the want for romance, I really do. But can we please NOT? I would sit here, in California, and... I don't know what I would do. But it would be good and sweet and perfect.
You were never even priority.
It was based on a true story. Cross my heart.

To Three,
You were always there. Never like One or Two, but still. The only real possibility.

To Four,
Way to pick it up quick. And then change your pronouns to match.
I'm afraid of this.
IT'S ME. But I think you already know that.

To You,
Look. I am grateful for your concern, I appreciate that you don't want me to get broken. But I have to get broken before I can understand the need to not get broken, like a small child needs to feel that it's actually cold outside before putting on a jacket. It hasn't happened to me yet, but you can't stop it. It'll happen, it has to.
And then. I understand. I do the same thing with my best friend, tell her everything no matter what other promises I've made. Because she's my best friend. But I don't think she is that friend for you. I think your allegiance to her and her friends is just stronger than it is to me, which makes sense. Your loyalty lies there. But I've had three different people tell me you've talked to them, and I want to know why. I'm not even angry, and I should be. Just why, is all. We should talk.

To You,
Fourteen years, going on fifteen. There's been a lot of bullshit. No more. Promise. I'm glad we talked. We should again. Because I mean, you literally hold a spot in my heart. It hurts to watch you hurt. My mother cries for you just like she does for us. You're my sister. I can't say it differently than that.

To The Boy Over There (who I was going to fall in love with),
It's high time. I'm not in love. But the feeling is here. I love you, plain and simple.


No regrets now.

At least I'm honest.