It's almost midnight, and after I finish my reading for tonight, I'm going to go upstairs and fall asleep with my girlfriend.
And I really, really like her and I really want to kiss her face a lot and be near her and give her what I can.
But intimacy scares me so much. Intimacy scares me so, so much, and it overwhelms me how afraid I am to do simple things like kiss her or look her in the eyes when I'm changing for bed or touch her skin at all.
I'm afraid of being examined and I'm afraid of invading her personal space and I am terrified of wanting something that I don't know if I can have past the end of this month. I can't, I literally don't have it in me right now to lose someone else. Or my college education, you know.
And I just. This is a really good thing and she is so warm and so patient and so goddamn cute and I still feel guilty for expressing affection or being bashful or asking her a lot of questions of touching her at all. I apologize every single time I move at night and god I am already too much and not enough and I am so, so sorry.

I guess I'm saying that I am frustrating myself, and this is exactly right.