Reflections, Notes to Self, New Facts About Me, Convictions, Etc. Second Year Edition

- I am ashamed of my feelings of anger and affection, and I justify that shame by using words like 'childish' and 'naive'
- I  start sentences with "I feel" and follow it with steaming piles of indecisive bullshit, a habit with stems directly from the aforementioned shame.
- I have yet to accept the fact that as much as I have been socialized to hate the girl who is emotionally a lot, I am that girl.
- Unlearning my deeply internalized policy regarding physical intimacy is perhaps one of the most challenging things I have ever had to do.

Reminders
- I am allowed to have hurt feelings.
- I am allowed to express said hurt feelings.
- I am allowed to want things.


My memory for words that have caused me physical pain* is maybe not the best for me, but it makes for great writing. (And with that, I would compare the experience of hearing the words "I don't know" with being literally punched in the gut.)
Everything I feel is all over my face (and I should really start calculating my sharing decisions with that data in mind).
I can write good academic papers.
I like research.
*"I would be lying through my teeth if I told you 'no'."
I handpick close friends very carefully.
 - I am good at knowing when a person or relationship is toxic, and I am good at getting out of and/or away from that toxicity.
Queer feminist musicology is something new, but really familiar at the same time.
e. e. cummings' poetry set to predictable and stereotypically emotionally charged music will not make me cry, but the misogyny behind that text setting very well might (and might have, had I been subjected to it for even five minutes more).
*"No."
My poetry is not as palatable as sad white straight college girl poetry. That being said, there are times when I wish more than anything I could be straight enough to write that kind of work. I am  deeply ashamed of that desire, but in the face of that writing, I am deeply ashamed of my own writing. So, you know. Identity Politics.
Teacher crushes NEVER STOP WHY
My physical reaction to stress in the immediate vicinity is confusingly (or not at all confusingly) very similar to my physical experience of fear.
*"I don't know."
I like my body. I like my body breathing more than I like it thin. 'Chubby' feels good.
Napping is great.
(Unlearning my deeply internalized policy regarding physical intimacy is perhaps one of the most exciting things I have ever dared to do.)
(Kissing is pleasant).
Maxi dresses are my favorite.
I am generally afraid of men. 
I am learning to speak like I know I deserve to be listened to. I am unlearning that I need to excuse, qualify, and dismiss my thoughts and feelings.
I like the shape of my shoulder bones.
Being welcome and being allowed are two very different experiences.
The word 'lesbian' feels really, really right. 
Selfie nation 4ever.
I am not sorry for most things.
I still haven't cried.