Raw Nerve

I am going to be blunt.
No apologies.

I want to be a princess. Legitimately. I want to look pretty all the time.
I can't decided if I want to keep growing out my hair or to just cut it all off. Start over. 
I just sent in my letter for a yellow ribbon. 
I want to be able to fly. I'm serious. You know that kid in X-men, with the wings? I want those. 
I want to buy things online. 
I want to feel okay actually using this blog. I don't want to be vague. I don't want people to think 'what the hell is she talking about?' 
I want to go to Australia. Very, very badly.
I want my English teacher to read my journal already, and I want her to be impressed with how honest I'm being. I really am being honest too. That never happens in school journals like that.
I kind of want to be a singer. 
I want to play the walk across the room game again.
I want to be accepted completely, petty wanting included. 
I don't give a damn what your boyfriend says about me.
I want my faith to be consistent. For the love of God, I want to love Him.
I want to find another good ring.
I want to wear more dresses.
I want to bring a girl home.
And next to that. I want to know if I'm gay or not. Or bi. Or if this is just a phase. This ambiguity is bullshit. It's like a bad meal that just sits in the pit of my stomach ALL THE TIME. I have a constant headache that I hardly even notice anymore, except for when it's very quiet. 
I'm really glad I can be openly (melodramatic). This time last year, I talked to NO ONE. Not about this. And now I can. I'd guess around 70% of the band knows I like her now. I don't think anyone really cares but me, but talking about it is wonderful. I can comfortably use the word 'her' in conversation; for a little while it was weird. 
I'm not looking a for a relationship. most of the time, I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't need one. I just want something solid, emotionally and physically too. I want something to happen where I can be sure of my emotions. Because right now, I feel like all of everything in this entire world just might be going on in my head. I haven't even seen Inception. I still think I'm crazy, I just don't care that much anymore. But I digress.
I want something real, like I said. I want a hand to hold whenever I want. And I have that, but not in a romantic sense. Best friends are wonderful, but it's a difficult thing when you have to share a best friend with some guy. I want someone who wants me, just me. Specifically, specially. Me and all my wanting, my music and ridiculous attention span and my books and ideas and Legos and handwriting and blog and lack of respect for the most respectable things, my cliche poetry and my journals and every last bit of my bullshit. And for me to ask for that is a very selfish thing. And a person like that won't just walk through my door. I don't expect that. I know it'll happen one day. I just want a step in the right direction. I want to know where I'm going, because right now all I can see is myself in third person wandering aimlessly through nothing. Like that one Spongebob episode, where Squidward is in the white nothing and everything he says is displayed in colorful words in the air. 
Goddamn. My self-control is incredible, even to me. I still haven't cried. I sat on my hands at that one away game. What I have kept myself from saying and doing has been bottled up for a ridiculous amount of time. That I haven't yet e x p l o d e d is remarkable, even for me.

I guess that's what this was. A written explosion. A small one, but just you wait.
Why can't I be concise? Why do I have to write a novel every time I feel strongly about something?
Oh yeah. Because I still can't use proper nouns. Where the hell did I learn that? [...] I should just break the fucking rules one day. 
I said I'd be blunt.